Okay so it’s been a couple of posts now and I feel like ya’ll are getting a nice idea of who I am, what irks me, yaddayaddayadda. However, I want ya’ll to know me, know me before we take this relationship to the next level. You know that guy who professes his love for you after 1 week and you’re like, hol’ up you haven’t seen me at my worst, you haven’t seen me when I have just woken up with morning breath and a cowlick, you haven’t even seen my star wars bobblehead collection, so how do you even know you love me? Yeah, I want us to be different. So today I thought I’d tell you all the things that are wrong with me and then if you’re still around, maybe we can exchange I love yous (but after you wine and dine me).
Things that are wrong with me:
I pose with fruit. I say ya’ll too much. Unless I am trying to impress you at a sleepover, I tuck my shirt into my PJs before I hop into bed. Even if I am trying to impress you, I will wear my retainer to sleep every night. I have worn my yoga pants as dress pants. I have worn denim on denim before denim on denim was ‘in’ again (or is it still not?). I subscribe to Cosmo even though I don’t need their sex tips because I’m not getting any it comes naturally. I use too many puns. I have given myself pep talks in the mirror, multiple times. I binge on ice cream even though I am lactose intolerant and have to deal with the consequences every. single. time. I think I’m a good dancer. I know I’m a bad dancer. I love fried chicken a little too much (this can also go under things that make me the perfect southern belle). I’m all talk. I have flirted to get free things. I thought Genovia was a real country. I go to the beach just to hide under the umbrella and complain about how hot it is. I think the only thing stopping me from being with Ryan Gosling is Eva Mendes. I meow at people. I hissss at people. I wouldn’t mind being a trophy wife. I have been in a beauty pageant. My future daughters will be toddlers with tiaras. I know I will be a Stage Mom. I don’t think omission is lying. I plan on being famous enough that people only need to refer to me by my first name. See: Brad, Angelina, Selena, Ashton, Erin. I am Team Summer in (500) Days of Summer (sorry, JGL). I use song lyrics as points in arguments. I love the way you lie. I live by the motto, it’s not me, it’s you. I swear like a muthatrucker when I am stressed out. I wish people would just leave the K-Dashians alone. I know a little too much about The Voice competition, and not enough about the presidential race.
Alrighty I’m done.
Lovely, I see you’re still here.
Yes, I love you too.